just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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