I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
Randomize
