Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
RA just said I set the all time record for a student who lost houseing..30min..I was moveing out while my new roomate was moveing in. know of any off campous places to stay??
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
Randomize
