His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
this must be what syphilis tastes like
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
