New invention idea: vibrating tampons
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
I can't put those talents on a resume
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
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