Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
