a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
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