went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
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