Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
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