Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Randomize
