Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
Randomize
