Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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