I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
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