There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
Okay, quick math test. If our entire group can do at least 6 shots a night, how much alcohol will be needed to keep us shit faced for the rest of the week? This is for a grade. Anddd, go.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
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