I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
