my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Randomize
