EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Randomize
