piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
