It was confusing and full of hummus
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
Every concussion has its silver lining
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
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