Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
haha i think we're both just down to be fuck buddies..but i do have a hickey and a bit of a big lip and fucking burns on my knees..note to self hooking up on a golf course is NOT that exciting
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
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