i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.