Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
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