Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
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