Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
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