you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Randomize
