Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
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