Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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