Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
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