just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
