theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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