Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
well he is only 50 percent black.. but after last night i am 100 percent not going back
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
