If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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