when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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