First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
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