Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Randomize
