So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
