mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
