and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Randomize
