It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
Randomize
