I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
