I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
Randomize
