it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
Both our collective sex appeal dies once someone cums on a snuggie kayla
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
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