You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
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