uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
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i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
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Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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