if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
Randomize
