I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
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