You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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