Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
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