mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
Randomize
