do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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