i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
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