me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
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