i think my mom watched the whole time
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
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I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
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My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Will exercising make me less horny?
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