oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
Blow job season was short but glorious.
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
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