I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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