I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
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