I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
tuscaloosa is terrifying
like people here are just empty shells of drugs and sin
there is no mercy here
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
Randomize
