Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
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