i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
I should be sponsored by Trojan
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
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