At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
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