Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
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