if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
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